|
| Quote |
Author |
| There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard. |
Dan
Florence |
| |
|
| Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. |
Andy
Borowitz |
| |
|
| Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. |
Victor
Borge |
| |
|
| Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. |
Dave
Berry |
| |
|
| Nothing is as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. |
Kin
Hubbard |
| |
|
| What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present. |
Don
Marquis |
| |
|
| Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. |
Erma
Bombeck |
| |
|
| A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. |
Garrison
Keillor |
| |
|
| I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. |
Henry
Youngman |
| |
|
| Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up. |
Wendy
Cope |
| |
|
| I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. |
Shirley
Temple |
| |
|
| That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. |
Jerry
Seinfeld |
| |
|
| The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. |
Johnny
Carson |
| |
|
| There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. |
Bob
Phillips |
| |
|
| I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. |
Bernard
Manning |
| |
|
| You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. |
Maya
Angelou |
| |
|
| Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp. |
Melanie
White |
| |
|
| Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa? |
Matt
Groening |
| |
|
| Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. |
Johnny
Carson |
| |
|
| Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help. |
Andy
Borowitz |
| |
|
| Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip. |
Gary
Allan |
| |
|
| It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. |
Milton
Berle |
| |
|
| Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family. |
Charles
Schultz |
| |
|
| I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. |
Henny
Youngman |
| |
|
| You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause! |
Chico
Marx |
| |
|
| Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace. |
Jimmy
Fallon |
| |
|
| It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones. |
Jimmy
Kimmel |
| |
|
| You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. |
Robert
Paul |
| |
|
| Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen? |
Jimmy
Kimmel |
| |
|
| It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list. |
Unknown |
| |
|
| Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas. |
Unknown |
| |
|
| Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends. |
Larry
Wilde |
| |
|
| Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. |
Richard
Lewis |
| |
|
| I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” |
Winston
Spear |
